I Hate You Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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In many ways, processing a breakup in therapy is an excellent way of understanding how repeating behaviors led to the breakup, because the disorganized attacher never processed their underlying issues from their childhood. Recognizing these patterns is a crucial start in the process of change. As the above points suggest, the traits of the disorganized attachment style can make relationship stability and longevity a challenge. This song captivates me still, after 50+ years. Takes me to the deep South and the poverty of some who lived thru truly hard times. And the powerful spirit of a poor young girl being abandoned to her future with only a red dress and her wits to keep her alive. All of these inconsistent and contradictory disorganized behaviors can be incredibly challenging for a spouse to cope with. Although dating someone with a disorganized attachment style is bound to have its challenges from time to time, successful disorganized attachment dating is entirely possible with understanding, patience, and the right skill set.

Regardless of whether you’re romantically involved with a disorganized attacher, or if they’re platonic to you but nevertheless important in your life, then the below tips are transferable to most circumstances.

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However, once someone with this attachment style starts to recognize their triggers and how they react to them, they can regulate their responses in more healthy ways. According to Attachment Theory, when a caregiver is sensitive and attuned to their child’s needs during their formative years (the first eighteen months), the child develops a sense of safety and stability. They develop a secure attachment style. She not only stayed alive, she turned her hard beginnings around, became self sufficient, successful and someone with respect for herself. She didn't let the naysayers and judgers stop her. She's the one sitting in the drivers seat at the end.

When a caregiver is emotionally and physically unavailable to their child, or displays highly contrasting behavior which is unpredictable or frightening, the child starts to fear for their safety. In extreme cases, some children with disorganized attachment were subject to abuse, or they may have experienced neglect or witnessed traumatic situations. The following steps may help you support a disorganized attacher in the way they need within a relationship: I. Communicate openly and clearlyAs a result, the child doesn’t know when their caregiver will meet their needs – or if they will at all. Consequently, they cannot bond securely with their caregiver and may try to forge a sense of closeness with them to satisfy their need for proximity and affection. However, the child also realizes that they need to distance themselves from their caregiver as a form of self-protection. Despite often confusing actions to the contrary, disorganized attachers want relationships – they want to love and be loved. However, they’re also afraid that their partners will betray their trust, so they struggle to let others “in”. Any of these triggers could result in someone with an avoidant attachment style either withdrawing from a relationship, or even breaking up with their partner. However, inevitably, the negative feelings associated with the breakup will catch up with the disorganized attacher, and they may experience further reductions in self-esteem. For this reason, the disorganized attachment style is associated with rushing into rebound relationships or “flings” in an attempt to distract themselves from the negative emotions associated with the end of a relationship.

It’s possible to help a disorganized partner open up by communicating your own feelings and needs in a clear, coherent, and open manner. Doing so may give your partner the courage to do so themselves, as well as possibly help them recognize their own complex or intense emotions. II. Be consistent If someone with a disorganized attachment style is struggling in the aftermath of a breakup, it’s important for them not to shut down their emotions and instead attempt to express them to a trusted friend or family member. If they do not feel comfortable doing so, then mental health professionals can help them to process their attachment issues and any pain associated with a breakup, so as to reach more balanced patterns of feelings and behaviors.These contrasting behaviors are due to the central component of the disorganized attachment style being fear within relationships. In truth, the disorganized attachment style is considered to be the most difficult form of insecure attachment to manage – disorganized adults strongly desire love and acceptance but simultaneously fear that those closest to them will hurt them. From the disorganized attachment viewpoint, rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are inevitable – it’s just a matter of “when”. Another withdrawal behavior that a disorganized attacher may engage in when attempting to distance themselves from relationship intimacy is infidelity. This isn’t to suggest that all disorganized attachers cheat in relationships. According to research, however, someone with a disorganized attachment style may be more likely to act out sexually in an attempt to connect without intimacy.

Just listening for the 784,654th time....and it's just perfect in every way. Just incredible. The only reason it was remade was to scoop up a boatload of money from a more modern and accepting audience. But it is a completely different song than the other one that sounds slapped together in a few takes without a thought for the meaning. Disorganized attachment in marriage plays out in similar ways to the other forms of disorganized relationships. Despite clearly loving their partner enough to marry them, if the disorganized attacher has not processed their maladaptive outlook on themself and the world, they still likely have a negative view of themselves and their spouse. They continue to feel unworthy of love and anticipate that their spouse will hurt them.

So, not a song about a poor girl, but a song of hope and how you can rise up no matter how far down you started. Disorganized attachment breakups tend to be a bit of a rollercoaster. Initially, a disorganized attacher may do all that they can to avoid the pain of a breakup, so they might numb their feelings in unhealthy ways such as by abusing substances. Disorganized attachment is one of the three forms of insecure attachment (avoidant, anxious, and disorganized).