Because what a nudist beach teaches you is that there’s only one vital quality for a backside — that you never, ever talk out of it. I eventually got the courage to lift my open book to an inch below my eyes, like a detective on a stakeout, for a closer scrutiny of the tattoo art on display. The main upside to getting older is learning to love the skin you’re in and the knowledge that it’s pointless worrying about your figure because body fads come in one era . Then, just to be really kinky, I fantasised about other people putting their clothes back on as well. But each lazy afternoon we took the ten-minute ride on the solar train into town for exquisite fine dining.

Well I was in Sydney recently visiting family when my sister Liz inquired what I’d say if she asked me to go to a nudist beach. At the iconic Raes restaurant we devoured what we’d been skinny-dipping with earlier — yellowfin tuna crudo (spiced with finger lime), seared grouper (with bronze fennel), bay lobster glazed in chilli spiced sea urchin . But the lush landscape, 18-mile stretch of silica sand, crystalline ocean and famous blues music and literary festivals soon attracted A-listers. This barefoot lavish spa retreat stretches across 50 eucalyptus-laden acres with scattered luxury private villas overlooking the sea.But whereas muffin tops, thunder thighs, pendulous boobs, flat chests, lumps, bumps and baby marks make beachgoing a torture for mere mortals who are not “beach-body ready”, being naked makes you feel exotic, unique and beautiful in your own way.

The most important advice to remember on a nudist beach is to slather factor 50 sunscreen on everything; otherwise you’ll soon have a hotter arse than Kim Kardashian. And the male gaze is less laser-like on a nudist beach too, as men find their own anatomy coming under female scrutiny, for a change.

Forget whale watching; my binoculars were on the lookout for Chris Hemsworth, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman et al. Which is why I soon found myself mingling with 50 or so other butt-naked strangers on the pristine white sands of Tyagarah (rhymes with Viagra) beach at Byron Bay.

And splashing through the surf in the buff is an exhilarating blast of bliss that will stay with you for ever. I opted for a crawl back up the beach like a jungle commando dodging enemy fire, my face a few inches from the sand. He’d clearly been inspired by those African tribeswomen who wear rings on their necks to aid elongation. Most of the female nudists were flaunting elaborately bejewelled vajazzles (glittery pubes) or a regulation Brazilian, which resembles a landing strip for a mosquito.

And speaking of bottoms, did my sis and I care if ours jiggled and wiggled when we played sunset Frisbee with nearby nudists on our final day? I could imagine the tide taking one look at my naked body, going back out and then refusing to come in again. Especially when pods of dolphins shoot the waves beside you, guaranteeing an endorphin or, rather, endolphin high.

Not wanting to appear prudish, I gritted my teeth, feigned nonchalance, shed my shorts and dive-bombed face down onto my towel in one deft movement — which merely resulted in a grazed nose and a bit of seaweed up my freckle. As an ex-hippy I don’t so much have a third eye as a third eye infection, but even sceptics like me can’t deny Byron’s healing, happy vibe. What makes Byron perfect for your first nudist beach experience is that it’s one of the most laid-back places on the planet. When clad in swimwear, we women are constantly comparing ourselves to a Baywatch babe or Love Island contestant.On Main beach, you can take yoga and capoeira classes, try fire dancing or consult naturopaths, mediums and healers. The best thing about nudist beaches is that they do away with the usual “am-I-too-old-to-wear-a-bikini? For example, when I was growing up, skinniness was inniness, but today a full derriere is de rigueur. I’d also been worried Liz was going to force-feed me Goopy Gwynnie-type bone broth with the occasional nibble of organic, nonirradiated, biodynamic, fairtrade tofu.